Tracing Happiness
by Heath07
Summary: (Ryan-centric)RyanAnna-ish, SethSummer While in Pittsburgh, Ryan sorts through the mess of his life.


Title: Tracing Happiness

Author: Heath07

Rating: PG-13 Ryan/Anna-ish, Seth/Summer

Summary: Ryan-centric with Seth and Summer as a couple. While in Pittsburgh, Ryan sorts through the mess of his life with a little help from Anna. Fluff and angst included at no extra cost. ;-)

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, they belong to FOX and that evil genius guy, Josh Schwartz.

Feedback: Yes, please. I want to know that what I write is actually being read. lol

Notes: The pairings are Ryan/Anna-ish, Seth/Summer, please do not review just to tell me Ryan should be with someone else etc... Even after I promised myself that I wouldn't write for The O.C. for a while, I just couldn't help it... The ending is left open and that's more because I couldn't think of a way to end it without the fic dragging on for another twenty pages, so sorry for that, but at least you can imagine the ending that you want. :-p

* * *

Ryan was going to be a father. He didn't know anything about babies. He didn't know how to change a diaper or mix formula or...what if Theresa wanted to breast feed, where was he supposed to look? and he didn't know what to do if the baby cried, he didn't know how to hold a baby or...he didn't know anything about being a father, period. Ryan wasn't even eighteen yet and he was going to be a father and nothing could change that and nothing could make him prepared. 

Ryan was going to be a father and instead of waiting patiently with his...with Theresa, he was sitting on a plane ready to hurl the bowl of cereal he'd consumed not an hour ago. He held his stomach and swallowed thickly. It was almost the end of summer and come September he had to decide a lot of things: if he was going to enroll in school and if he did, how he was going to stay in school and keep a full time job and take care of Theresa at he same time, where he was going to come up with enough money to raise a baby when Theresa got too pregnant to work anymore... The list went on and on.

Sandy and Kirsten had both taken him aside, individually, on the days he visited from Chino, and offered to help, but he had been too proud to accept it. And they tried, tried real hard, not to look sad when he came by and pretended everything was the same when they all knew it was a big lie. Ryan used to hate liars, but when he caught Kirsten wiping her eyes the first time he pulled out of the driveway in Theresa's beat up car, he was glad they hadn't been completely honest, he didn't think he could handle the truth -that things were falling apart.

Behind him, he could hear Summer and Seth bickering and making up all in a matter of minutes; this was their pattern and, eventually, he blocked them out and settled down low in his seat.

Ryan touched his forehead, swiping away the beads of sweat that had started when the intercom had announced their decent. He had never flown before and he was not in the mood to discuss his fear of heights to the stranger packed tight beside him while he slobbered on his shoulder. Ryan squeezed his eyes shut and hoped for the best...

They took a cab from the airport, Seth and Summer complained the whole way there....the seat was sticky...the air smelled...someone's legs were numb...their driver looked like he belonged on America's Most Wanted... Ryan had looked out the window and kept his mouth shut and his body perfectly tense; he watched the buildings go by, their height cluttered in clouds of fog. His stomach was still queasy from the flight and the Dramamine had done nothing to prevent him from throwing up while Summer looked on, horrified. Seth nudged him every once in a while, pointing out things along the road and Ryan would nod and grunt and then go back to brooding. He had too much on his mind to deal with Seth right now.

He didn't even know why he'd agreed to come along. No, that wasn't true. He needed space. He needed to get away from everything and everyone for just a little while, just so he could clear his head and try to make sense of his life. He had to feel normal just for now, while his life still belonged to him.

They pulled up to a new two-story home with keyhole windows, it was different than Ryan had expected and he hadn't known what to expect. It was elegant, bigger than average size, though, compared to the homes in Newport, it was small. At the side of the house, a basketball hoop hung over the garage, an orange ball lay in wait at the end of the driveway and half a dozen toys sat unaccompanied on the grass. A large tree swayed with the breeze, its branches providing a great blanket of shade over the West exterior and an old tire hung from a rope to be used for swinging. Ryan thought it seemed like as good a place as any to live.

Seth paid the driver while Ryan grabbed the bags from the back. Summer watched as Ryan heaved one large suitcase onto the grass and then another. "Sure you packed enough?" Ryan asked, feeling her eyes on him.

Summer jutted out her hip, crossed an arm over her middle. "That's not a lot."

"Yeah, Ryan, that's not a lot," Seth mocked. "We're lucky, I actually talked her out of bringing this huge trunk with whee-"

Summer shot Seth a warning glance and he shut his mouth. When the cab pulled away, they all stood, looking up at the house.

"It's, like, a real house," Summer observed. Both Seth and Ryan looked at her, confused.

"Yes, darling, it is a real house; that is where people live," Seth dead-panned.

"Duh, Cohen. It's just...it looks all homey, you know what I mean?"

Ryan found himself nodding. "Yeah."

"See, Chino agrees with me," Summer said, striking Seth in the stomach with the back of her hand.

"Like that counts, Ryan isn't exactly known for his experiences with houses. He even burnt one down, remember? No offence there, dude."

Ryan cleared his throat, choosing to ignore Seth as usual. "Are you sure she wants me here, too?"

Seth clapped him on the back. "Of course, buddy. And if she doesn't, we'll find you a nice Holiday Inn for the night."

"Ew!"

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Funny."

Seth had acted-out when Ryan told him he was going back to Chino and took the Summer Breeze to Catalina for the weekend like they had talked about; planning on making his great escape once he'd gotten enough supplies, but Ryan had tracked him down, with Sandy by his side, and together they had managed to bring him to back and this time they had a proper good-bye and Ryan headed back to Chino, only to return the next weekend for a visit. How the idea to visit Anna in Pittsburgh came about he couldn't be sure, but it had been Summer who had approached him and asked him to come along. Perhaps she thought having Ryan with them would lessen the chance of Seth leaving her for Anna, which, if she was more secure, she would have realized wasn't even a possibility; there was only one person Seth wanted to be with, but nonetheless Ryan was grateful for the escape.

Ryan took a minute to breathe. The smell of Pittsburgh was hard to pin down, it was a stale smell, a sooty, dry smell, that hinted at years of hard labour and ultimate failure, yet to some, those on the college campuses, there was a sort of sweetness to the air, a wink of something better in their future, something far away from smokestacks and smog, the heavy breeze of burning chemicals and despair, something beyond a vacant ghost town that had once prospered. This house smelled fresh and clean, like he remembered Anna smelt.

They were halfway up the sidewalk when the door burst open and two enthusiastic children and a little dog came pouring out, followed by Anna. Ryan didn't see or hear anything around him except for what was right in front of him.

Anna.

The sun bisected her face, separating it in shadow and light, the heat melting into her crown. Her eyes were alive, blue tide pools of knowledge, as she blinked away the yellow stream of light. Her hair was lighter, longer, softer somehow. Ryan's chest felt heavy.

"Get back here, you little monkey!" Anna said, chasing down a little boy with golden blonde hair as he clung to Summer's legs. "Leave Summer alone, sweetie; you can visit with everyone later," she pleaded, laughing.

Seth was laughing at the panicked look on Summer's face. "Kid's got good taste, but trust me if it were that easy, I'd have grabbed on and not let go a long time ago."

"Funny, Cohen, real funny," Summer scolded.

Ryan felt a tug on his pants, he looked down and was greeted with a shy smile. A girl, about three with bright blue eyes and shining blonde ringlets looked up at him. He smiled and she tilted her head to the side and giggled.

"Looks like you've made a friend," Anna said, holding the captured boy in her arms, his legs wrapped around her middle, his thumb in his mouth.

"Jillian, Justin, get your cute butts in here." Anna passed Justin over to a woman--thirty-something with dirty blonde hair and stylish glasses--who Ryan supposed was Anna's aunt and the mother of the twins. Jillian went willingly into the house, but not before waving good-bye to Ryan. He smiled, feeling a deep ache in his heart.

"Sorry," Anna apologized catching Ryan's eye. Turning, she embraced Summer in a warm hug. "Summer, you look great!"

"So do you," Summer complimented, managing to not even flinch when Anna turned her attention to Seth. Ryan smirked. It wasn't that he took great pleasure from seeing Summer distressed, it was just that seeing Summer anything other than poised was amusing to anyone who really knew her and especially if her uneasiness was brought on by jealously.

"Seth," Anna said, barely getting her bearings before he swallowed her in a hug.

When the hug went a little too long, Summer cleared her throat. "Okay, enough, Cohen; let her breathe."

Seth pulled back, smiling sheepishly. "Oh, sorry."

"It's okay," Anna said, laughing. "Go on in, guys. My aunt will show you to the guestrooms."

"Help me with this," Summer asked, smashing her suitcase against Seth. Seth wheezed as he trudged up the steps behind Summer and Ryan shook his head.

Anna turned to Ryan, her eyes softening. "Ryan," she said gently, her arms coming around his shoulders, her cheek pressing against his; her hand moved to the nape of his neck, her fingers strumming just below his hairline.

Ryan took in a deep breath and inhaled the clean smell of her and he didn't let go right away. It was Anna that broke the hug, her face a little flushed, the tips of her ears pink.

"Staying out of trouble?" she whispered as she pulled back, letting go completely.

Ryan smiled politely but couldn't answer. Anna smiled, picked up his hand and led him into the house.

* * *

Seth and Ryan were sharing the guestroom while Summer was going to bunk with Anna for the duration of their visit. Ryan could hear the echo of Seth and Summer's banter from the open window, they'd taken to the gazebo once they learned about it and left Ryan alone to unpack. He didn't mind the solitude. If Ryan had known this was going to turn into a Seth/Summer make-out marathon, he might have skipped the trip altogether, at least he still had Anna with all of her wisdom and witty philosophies to keep him company. Not that he really resented Seth and Summer being typical teenagers, just that it seemed unfair when his life was in flux. 

Ryan pulled open the suitcase he'd barrowed from Theresa's mother and methodically began to unpack. There was a large dresser against one wall; Seth had filled the first two drawers with his clothes, leaving the bottom two for Ryan. It seemed silly to unpack when they weren't going to be staying long, but it gave him something to do, something to take his mind off of the baby. Ryan stuffed his clothes away into the potbellied drawers and stood straight. He didn't have to turn around to know someone was there.

Anna came into the room and sat on one of the single beds, crossing her legs Indian style and propping up her head with her fists. He stopped what he was doing, tossed a pair of socks between his hands like he would a baseball.

"Hi," she said.

"Hey," he returned, feeling a little awkward.

Anna studied him until he began to feel uneasy and then she spoke. "How's Theresa doing? Everything going all right?"

"You know?" he came off sounding casual, but he could tell Anna saw through him.

"Of course. Is it supposed to be a secret?"

Ryan sat down on the other bed, his hand scuffing the back of his neck. "No, but... I dunno."

Anna bowed her head, her voice came out low, tentative. "Seth's says you and Theresa are getting married."

Ryan laughed a little coldly. "Oh really, what else did Seth tell you?"

"Other than Marissa won't speak to you?"

Ryan looked at his shoe. "I guess I screwed up pretty bad, huh?" Ryan sensed more than saw Anna get up and move across the room.

"Everyone makes mistakes." She grasped the doorframe, half her body all ready out of the room. "It'll get better," she said and then disappeared.

Ryan sat down on the bed, clutching the pair of socks so tight his knuckles had turned white. Plenty of people had told him the exact same thing in so many words, but when Anna said it, in her own Anna way, he wanted to believe her...he did believe her...believed she meant it, at least.

* * *

The house had a big backyard, Anna's aunt Maggie had planted a garden and her husband had built a gazebo. Aunt Maggie told Seth and Summer to go explore while she fed the kids their lunch - whether she was trying to get rid of them or not, neither were sure, but she said the twins wouldn't settle with an audience and since Bill was away on business, she was all ready at a disadvantage. Maggie had a bluntness and wit about her that was so very much like Anna that they couldn't be offended. As much as Anna and Summer had clashed in the beginning, when they were both after Seth, they respected each other and liked spending time in each other's company...as long as the ugliness of their past wasn't brought up, they were model friends. The pair retreated to the backyard, Seth picked Summer a rose and Summer called him cheesy but accepted it regardless. 

Summer had been serious about the no sex thing. Even after Ryan went back to Chino and Seth pouted endlessly about being a loser, she hadn't relented. She was scared and Seth understood that. Hell, he was scared, too. Something had changed between them, not necessarily a bad change, but a definite change. They talked more, for one. Summer had become more open and Seth had learned so much about her that he might not have noticed if his mind was clouded by sex, so in a way, Ryan getting Theresa pregnant had brought Seth and Summer closer, strengthened their relationship. But there was still something between them, a distance that couldn't really be pinned down.

Seth sat down on one of the benches encompassed in the gazebo and patted the spot beside him. Summer smiled and rolled her eyes, joining him. She rested her head on Seth's shoulder and sighed. "Cohen?"

Seth leaned his head back on the wooden structure and closed his eyes, soaking up the little spotlights of sun that peeked in though the trellis on the opposite side and through the roof. "Hmm?"

There was a pregnant pause and in that moment Seth could feel Summer tense up. "How do you think Ryan's doing?"

Seth shrugged. "He's probably scared, at least I would be, but he hides it better than I could."

Summer sighed again. "I just can't believe he's going to have a baby."

"Actually, it's Theresa that's having the baby."

"Cohen."

"Right. Getting my serious face on."

"Oh, you mean the one where you look constipated?"

"Yes, that would be the one."

"It's just so weird. He and Theresa are having an actual baby, a real little human being."

Seth hid his smile. "As opposed to an alien?"

"Cohen!"

"Right. Serious. Gotcha."

"What would you have done if it was us?"

Seth's eyes opened, his body moved from the relaxed position he'd been in. "Summer, it's not us."

"But what if it was?" she asked, sitting up, her eyes very dark and maybe a little glossy; Seth couldn't quite tell because of the sun.

"Do we have to do this hypothetical stuff now?" Summer touched his shoulder and Seth proceeded, cautiously. "Fine. If it was us...if I got you pregnant, I dunno, I guess, whatever you wanted to do, I'd do."

"Oh," she said, looking at the ground.

Seth took in a deep breath. "I guess that wasn't the answer you wanted," Seth said, his hand touching the side of her face, making her look him in the eye, "but, Summer, I honestly can't put myself where Ryan is right now...it's different with Theresa and him than it would be if it were us...it wouldn't happen that way with us. For one, they weren't even together...it was just sex...they don't have what we have and two, after my parents killed me, they'd help; they wouldn't let us do it on our own."

Summer nodded. "Okay." She slowly unwound against him, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers. "Just for the record? I think you'd make a good Dad."

Seth smiled. "Thanks. You'd make a good Mom, too. Way, way in the future though, okay?"

"You don't have to convince me."

"Do you think those Rage Blackouts are hereditary?"

"Cohen!" she admonished, cementing her disapproval with a quick slap.

A few minutes passed, Seth hands were inching up Summer's thigh just under her shorts. He cleared his throat. "So...does that mean you're lifting the no-sex ban?"

Seth didn't have to look to know Summer was rolling her eyes, but she didn't move his hands away either, which he took as a good sign. "When we get back to Newport, I'll think about it."

"You'll think about it as in, like, thinking about lifting the ban? or you'll think about it as in actually lifting the ban?"

Summer shrugged. "I dunno, whatever."

* * *

Anna's aunt doted on Ryan, Seth and Summer as if they were her own children -as in, as if they were three-year-olds, but it was oddly comforting in the way that Ryan had never been treated so much like a child before. At three, he had all ready learned a few hard life lessons and he felt young again, like maybe he really was seventeen. Aunt Maggie made an enormous dinner and Seth marvelled as each new item was placed on the table: 'green beans? and they're not burnt!', 'Roast beef and it actually tastes like roast beef,' even the beverages were something to be commented on: 'You have Coke in glass bottles, that's just cool.' One would think he'd never seen food before. If Kirsten's cooking was taken into consideration though, everyone would understand where Seth was coming from. Summer finally kicked him under the table and he got the point and turned off his mouth. For dessert there were three peanut butter cup pies and no one was allowed to leave the supper table until they had at least tried a piece. Seth ate four helpings and was going for his fifth when he doubled over with a cramp and decided he'd had enough. 

Ryan had saved a piece of roast and wadded it up in his napkin and every time he thought no one was looking, he would fed it to Anna's dog under the table. He'd always wanted a dog growing up but his mother had refused, saying they could never afford one. Anna's dog was a mutt, there was no way to be kind about it. Swifty had shaggy hair that hung over his eyes and a snout that was shorter than his bottom jaw so that when he closed his mouth his teeth stuck out at the side making him look like a wild boar, but he was enthusiastic and soft and Anna loved him dearly - that was apparent when they interacted.

Everyone cleared the table, Anna and Ryan did the dishes while Seth and Summer followed Aunt Maggie upstairs, she claimed she needed their help with something. Anna had laughed, clearly in on the plot. Ryan's hands were immersed in water when Anna hit him with her hips. She looked at him and smiled.

He marvelled at her playfulness. "What?"

"You're lucky Aunt Maggie didn't catch you."

"Catch me what?"

"Don't think you're slick, I saw you sneak Swifty food." She smiled, aware of her power and dared him to look away first.

Ryan felt himself blush. "I-"

"Save the excuses," she teased, knocking her hips into his again. "I do it all the time, even Uncle Bill does it occasionally," she said, quietly, checking over her shoulder to make sure they were alone. "Swifty and Aunt Maggie have a love/hate relationship. Ever since the time he bit her in the butt, she's been trying to find a reason to ship him off to the pound. He's a good dog, he just gets a little excited sometimes."

"Kinda like Seth," Ryan joked.

Anna laughed, picking up a tea towel to dry the dishes. "Yeah, kinda."

* * *

Aunt Maggie was a clever woman and whether she knew what was going on between Ryan and Anna, Ryan couldn't be sure, he wasn't even sure ___he_ really understood, but she'd kept Seth and Summer busy for nearly an hour, giving he and Anna time to talk. Aunt Maggie's plan had been to enlist the help of Seth and Summer to give the twins a bath while she read a spicy romance novel and took a call from her husband. 

It had been amusing to watch Summer chase after a naked Justin while he ran laughing through the house, a bar of soap in his hands and bubbles trailing in his wake. It had been more amusing to come upon the pair a little while later, dripping wet and covered in suds. Jillian and Justin were squeaky clean and it was Anna and Ryan who reaped the benefits while they tucked them into bed. Ryan watched Anna as she read a story, exaggerating her voice to the children's delight. He felt that ache in his chest again and it travelled up into his spine and down his legs so he was almost trembling with a pain that wasn't palpable.

When the last page had been read, together they lifted the blankets over the sleeping babes, it seemed only fitting that when he came into his room he should do the same for Seth and Summer. They'd curled up on the bed provided for Seth, watching Golden Girl reruns, probably falling asleep once their heads hit the pillows. Ryan turned off the television, he hated to wake them and he felt a little awkward sleeping in the same room while they dozed. He could carry Summer into Anna's room, but that would just be awkward and he really didn't feel like dealing with one of Summer's Rage Blackouts in the off chance she woke up and wanted to know what he was doing. Grabbing his pillow and the comforter from the bed, he quietly made his way downstairs. Sleeping on the couch was the best solution.

Ryan desperately needed a cigarette. He'd taken up smoking again since returning to Chino, the stress and the environment wouldn't allow him not to. He felt around in his pocket, making sure the lighter and pack of Marlboro's were still there. Stopping on the landing, he debated which area was best to get a little shut eye. Like the Cohen house, this house had an area designated for a Living Room, as well as one they called a Family Room, Ryan couldn't tell the difference. In Chino any free space was used and there were no fancy titles to separate one room from another, a room was called what it was because of what it held; the kitchen and bathroom were obvious, dining rooms weren't a big trend and the Laundromat on the corner was the only laundry room he'd ever known before coming to Newport. The bedroom was called that because it contained beds, the TV room contained a TV and so on, but here, the Family and Living Rooms both had TV's, even the bedrooms had television sets, so there was nothing to really distinguish the two. Ryan took the less formal, and laid out the blanket and pillow. He sat down and strained his ears.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Ryan tilted his head to the side, trying to hear better. He stood, following the sound.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

It was a surprise to find Anna, in her pajamas-a pair of boxer shorts and a big t-shirt-sitting at the piano. "An-na?"

She stopped, turned, looking guilty. "I'm sorry, Ryan, did I wake you up?"

Ryan shook his head. "Nah, I'm a...a light sleeper. Old habits, I guess. So what are you, uh...?"

Anna smiled, real wide and it made it hard for Ryan to breathe again. "I know it's silly, but sometimes when I can't sleep, I like to come down here and just tap on the keys a little; it relaxes me."

Ryan smiled just a little and Anna scooted over to allow him room. He sat down next to her and felt the heat of her thigh rub against his. This was everything he would be giving up. This moment. This feeling. Theresa was a good girl, but their relationship had run its course; they weren't meant for each other, they both knew that and he couldn't imagine never feeling that pain in his gut, that he felt now, ever again.

Ryan had always noticed Anna, noticed the way she smelled and they way her eyes lit up when she smiled real big, noticed the way she chewed on her thumb nail when she was nervous and even if she had been blinded by Seth, Ryan at least knew that she had noticed him, too.

The room was in darkness, but even so, Ryan could tell that Anna's cheeks were stained pink and he bet if he reached out his hand and touched her skin, it would be hot. "Do you play?"

Ryan wiped his hands on his jeans, riding himself of sweaty palms he'd deny having. Ryan was not the sort of guy to get nervous just because he was in close proximity with a beautiful female. There must have been something in Pittsburgh's air because everything felt heightened and he was reduced to a thirteen-year-old boy again. These were the habits he was going to have to break if he expected to be married to Theresa and remain faithful. Married to Theresa. Ryan shook his head a little, trying to dislodge the thoughts.

"Well?" she asked, pinching his side.

Ryan smiled and for the first time in a long time it was because he wanted to. "Promise not to tell anyone?"

"No," she laughed softly.

Ryan extended his hands and cracked his knuckles, putting on a show that had Anna barely containing her smile. He let his fingers touch the keys and played very lightly.

Anna's grin broke. "Ah, Mary Had a Little Lamb. In that case, I think your secret is safe with me."

Ryan turned his head, his eyes connecting with hers. "I didn't say I was Mozart.."

"Well, no, you didn't."

"So, Anna," he said, turning slightly to get a better look at her, "tell me, are you really happy living here?"

"Truth?"

Ryan nodded.

Anna pulled her legs up and hugged them against her torso, she rested her cheek against her knee a minute before tilting her head and looking right at him. "I dunno, Ryan, I thought I would be, you know? Don't get me wrong, I love my aunt and Justin and Jillian are so special, but...it's like everyone here seems so boring now and I miss you guys. What about you, things in Chino good?"

Ryan shrugged, taking his hands off the piano and examining them. "I guess."

"You sound so convincing," she said, sarcastically.

"No, really. Theresa's great and she's going to make a great mother."

Anna pushed his shoulder. "I feel like there's a but in there somewhere."

"Everything's just...different, you know. I really screwed up. I don't think Marissa will ever forgive me."

Anna had moved so she straddled the bench. "She will."

Ryan didn't want to look at her, afraid of what he might do or not do. It was better to let her think he was upset over Marissa, better that she not find out how she affected him and he wasn't even sure he could put that into words anyway. "I don't think-"

"She will," Anna assured, touching his shoulder.

"And if she doesn't?"

Anna shrugged. "Then you're better off."

Ryan snorted. "That's glib."

"Sometimes the good we think we see in people isn't really there." Ryan bowed his head. "Ryan, listen, when Seth and I broke up, yeah, I was upset; I wrote some bad poetry, listened to sad ballads, ate too much ice cream and then I picked myself up and moved on, and that's what you have to do...that's what we all do, Ryan. You're not going to spend your life mooning over some girl you met in highschool, trust me."

Ryan's eyes were slits but he was smirking just enough to let her know he wasn't serious or angry. "I don't remember you being this cynical."

Anna snorted. "It's called realistic."

"Whatever you call it, and I'm not mooning over her."

"Fine." Anna idly tapped the keys, her back stiffening and Ryan knew what was coming. "What about Theresa?"

Ryan rolled his back. "What about Theresa?"

"Well, what're you going to do, Ryan?"

"The right thing," he said firmly.

"What's the right thing?"

Her eyes were penetrating, getting to him right under his skin. "I don't know."

She'd stopped tapping and had begun to bite her thumbnail. Ryan braced himself. After a moment of serious contemplation, she said, "you can't marry this girl, Ryan."

He'd been waiting for that and he acted the only way he knew how. With anger. "Stop doing that."

Anna startled. "What?"

"She has a name, she's not just some girl." The air was oppressive and Ryan felt like he was choking.

Anna spoke softly. "I didn't mean anything by it."

Ryan met her eye. "I know. I know you didn't. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I just think..." she stopped, took another minute to gather her thoughts. "Do you love her?"

Ryan was silent.

"Ryan."

He didn't know how to answer, so he told the truth. "I don't know how I feel about anything anymore." Ryan took out the pack of cigarettes and put one in his mouth, he searched for the lighter and when he found it, Anna took it from his hand.

"You can't smoke in the house," she said, regretfully.

Ryan took the cigarette out of his mouth and placed it behind his ear.

Anna studied the lighter, flipped it open and closed, Ryan watched her mouth. "You know, Zippos were invented here."

"In Pittsburgh? Huh."

"Oh yeah, I know all kinds of little facts about this place. Did you know Pittsburgh had the first Polio vaccine in '53, first baseball stadium in 1909, first motion picture theatre 1905, all kinds of firsts." Anna stopped, blushed. "The school teachers drill it into our heads so we have something to be proud of or some crap. God knows, looking around this place can get depressing."

"It's not so bad."

"It's not as glamourous as Newport either..." She looked at him from the corner of her eye. "Or as dangerous as Chino," she said with a sly smirk. "Tired yet?"

"No."

"Me either. It'll be hours before I'll be able to sleep. I can't even remember the last time I had a decent night of sleep, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean." And he truly did know what she meant, he hadn't really slept since he found out about the baby.

"Come on," she said, taking his hand and leading him into the kitchen. He noticed her feet were bare and they were tiny, like a child.

Anna took two beers from the fridge and headed out the back door, she didn't look back to see if he was following. She was all ready sitting on the wooden bench in the gazebo, one leg tucked into her chest, one of the beers between her thighs, when Ryan sat down next to her. She handed him the other beer and plucked the cigarette from behind his ear and lit it. To Ryan's surprise, Anna took a slow, steady drag and then passed it to him.

The air was hotter in Pittsburgh than Ryan had been expecting. It wasn't like California, where some days felt like your lungs were going to collapse if you didn't get into someplace cool so the air conditioner could bring you solace, but it was hot and sticky. Ryan could feel the sweat rolling down his back and soaking into the cotton of his t-shirt. He shifted, uncomfortable.

Anna was staring at him. She always did this thing where she tried to look him in the eye, both eyes, at the same time, it made her eyes shift rapidly and it looked a little comical, but it always made him feel like she was really seeing him, like she really wanted to see him.

Ryan took a long pull from the bottle and set it down. "When you left, you told me to have a good life, that I deserved it...what did you mean by that?"

"You have old eyes, Ryan." She shrugged. "I just thought you'd lived through enough pain to deserve a break, but I guess you're a glutton for punishment, huh?" She nudged his side and her fingers were cool from the bottle.

He covered his face with his hand, ground his eye with the heel of his palm. "God, Anna, I really screwed up. The Cohen's took me in, gave me a second chance and I just messed everything up."

The air was cooling, the heat slowly dying off like his freedom. The leaves on the trees began to rustle and Ryan knew a storm was coming.

Anna rubbed a hand over his forearm. "Nothing is so messed up that it can't be worked through, don't even think it."

"I knew I wouldn't regret coming here. I knew you'd listen...and not judge."

Anna smiled. Her lips were this shade of pink he'd never seen in the drugstore. On his many trips with Theresa, he'd walked down the aisles out of boredom and read off the different shades for something to do and by now he could name most of the colours Theresa bought, but Theresa always went for the darker shades, Anna preferred the lighter ones; they went better with her skin, her delicate skin... He took a closer look and realized her lips were naked, not even a hint of gloss. Ryan realized he was staring and took a swallow of his beer to keep his mouth busy.

"And give you advice?" She twisted to sit cross-legged and her knee bumped his hip. He squelched the need to pull her to him and drape her legs over his lap.

The beer was helping to loosen him up and he smiled at her just a little crooked. "Yeah, something like that."

"I'm glad you came."

"Me, too." He could see her eyes shift, move over his body and he almost felt it as if she'd reached out and touched him. Ryan licked his lips and watched her do the same, slower. His hand moved to her warm thigh and he gave it a gentle squeeze. "I'm going to do something stupid," he barely got out and then he kissed her.

He didn't know why, but it felt like the right thing to do. It wasn't some big, passionate kiss, just a little one at the corner of her mouth, where he could taste hints of salt from dried sweat.

In the distance, the thunder roared and the calm sky began to fill with clouds. The first raindrop hit Anna's cheek and it sparkled like a piece of broken glass you'd come across on the streets in Chino. The night started to break in blue flashes of light before it exploded and the rain came down full force.

They stared at the rain for a full minute and neither one of them spoke.

"Come on," Anna said and once again he was being led, this time inside the house, battling rain that pounded hard and felt cool against his face, and up to her room. The room was sage green and Ryan could tell that, at one time, before Anna had come to live there, a picture frame had hung over the bed. The place where it would have been was brighter and it was so like Anna not to try to cover it up. Anna never hid imperfections, she displayed them as if they were treasured jewels.

The room was tidy except for a few misplaced comic books and clothes she'd thrown off after wear. Beside Anna's bed a mattress was all ready made up for Summer. "You can sleep there," Anna said, pointing not to the mattress but to her bed.

Ryan nodded, blinking back a drop of rain that had rolled from his forehead to his eye. He watched Anna moisten her mouth, lick away the drops of rain as they fell on her lips. Ryan was okay with admitting that he liked Anna, admitting that they had some type of connection. Admitting that he wanted her? that he'd take her right now if she offered, was not the best idea, even if it was only to himself. Those kinds of thoughts were what had landed him in the predicament he was in now. But still, he wanted to touch her, to feel how soft she was under clothes she wore too loosely for a body so perfect. He could see, from the wash of rainwater that made her clothes stick to her like a second skin, that she wasn't all that adverse to him being there, entertaining thoughts that he knew he couldn't take to fruition. And maybe she was thinking about it too, about being with him under her Aunt and Uncle's roof while Summer and Seth slept in the room across the hall, but when her eyes changed from smoky to sympathetic, he knew reality had gotten a hold of her. She was probably thinking about Theresa and picturing her at home, her belly rounded over just slightly, just enough to tell there was a baby inside, and missing the body not next to her...at least Ryan was thinking about it. Guilt flooded his system and he looked away.

"I'm sorry I kissed you," he said, facing the wall, his voice hoarse. He set the empty bottle of beer on Anna's dresser next to hers.

Anna took the moment to get them some towels and change her clothes. Ryan's bag was still in the other room, so he took off his shirt and stood in just his jeans. Anna came out of the bathroom and instead of handing him the towel, she wrapped her arms around him and she held him.

Ryan felt weird. Not many people had ever shown him this much outward affection in his lifetime and he didn't know what to do, what it meant. "Uh, what are...?"

"Shh," Anna whispered.

Finally she pulled back and smiled, gentle like. "You looked like you needed a hug," she said and handed him a fluffy blue towel, using her own to dry her hair. "And don't worry about the kiss." She threw the towel in the general vicinity of her laundry basket and flopped down on her bed. "I mean, I didn't mind," she added, almost as an afterthought.

"I shouldn't have," he said, sitting on the edge of her bed, towelling off his shoulders.

She shrugged. "Maybe not, but you did."

Her response threw him, Anna was like this mystery that he just couldn't solve.

Anna crawled toward him on all fours and there was something primitive and distinctly feline in the gesture, but he watched with awed curiosity as she took the towel from his hands and lifted it over his head, rubbing his hair dry. When she was satisfied that his hair was dry enough, she let the towel fall to the ground and she cupped his jaw, her fingers still cool. He felt tears prick his eyes but he refused to give into them.

"Old eyes," she whispered, barely audible, and kissed his forehead.

Ryan reached out and pulled her to him and she let him. Anna's fingers found his shoulders, he shivered when she started to knead his bare flesh. He was tense, there, and in other places. Over his shoulders and neck she made slow circles, deep, comforting, personal touches. When she hit a particularly tight knot, he relaxed so much he fell back against the comforter. His fingers slid to her ribs and he could feel them rising and falling back into place.

They were an inch apart, he could see every detail of her face and it occurred to him that he'd never been this close to another human being without being engaged in some sexual act and this felt one hundred times more intimate. It scared him.

"I'm not good for you," he said, breaking the silence.

"I decide what's good for me, not you." She touched his face, ran her finger over his jaw, her thumb over his lips, her palm against his cheek.

Anna kissed him, soft at first and then harder like she could mould them together like Playdough, creating some superstructure out of mismatched colours and textures.

Ryan returned the kiss, opened to her, wielded. He wanted to be tender with her, gentle in a way he'd never really been before, but she was like fire and fire won't be controlled. She made this sound at the back of her throat and he tried so desperately to just remain detached, just so he couldn't give anything away, but she wouldn't have it. She made him confess to her everything he wanted to hold back and her lips purged all his secrets from him without him being aware of how to stop it.

They kissed in a way that Ryan hadn't kissed anyone in a long time, not needy, not out of uncontrollable lust, it came from a place more innocent, a place that needed to be embraced. Without warning he pulled back, shook his head. "I don't want to ruin this with sex."

He didn't know how Anna would take that, he knew he sounded like one of those slick bastards that said things like that to get the opposite reaction. He hoped she knew he was sincere.

Anna smiled and moved to get off of him, but he held her tighter and pulled her head onto his chest, his hand slipping under the cotton of her shirt and onto her bare back. Her skin was smooth and warm and he traced the pattern of her spine until he felt her shiver.

Her fingers played with the sparse hair on his stomach, and from the non-rhythm, he could tell it was an unconscious action. Anna yawned and stretched, getting more comfortable but not pulling away from him.

Ryan liked to listen to the rain, it made him feel calm; it played in a staccato rhythm that he could set his heart to. In these new homes, it was harder to hear the rain. All the weatherproofing and insulation made it near impossible in this house- the walls were thick, he'd checked everything out earlier, curious about the design of certain rooms, he'd have to remember to tell Kirsten about it the next time he saw her--so he listened to Anna breath instead. He moved his fingers to her wrist and counted the beats her pulse made until it felt like there wasn't a difference between his and hers anymore -even if it was impossible, and that's when he let his eyes close, drifting into sleep.

When Ryan woke up he almost forgot where he was, until he realized his hand was numb and warm breath was fanning over his arm. Some time during the night they must have shifted and he'd be lying if he said it didn't feel good to have Anna in his arms. He felt his stomach twist in a knot that wasn't from hunger.

They were just sleeping, they weren't doing anything wrong...so then why did he feel so guilty? Because he'd never slept this well with Theresa, his brain taunted. He'd never slept this well on his own, either.

* * *

Ryan slipped out of the room at almost seven, the sun was bright on his eyes and Anna was still sleeping, her head framed in a halo of light. Ryan watched her for a few minutes until he heard noise coming from the other room and figured he'd better make an escape before anyone saw him and he had to explain himself. 

As soon as he got into he hall, he tugged on his shirt and made a beeline for the bathroom, where he brushed his teeth and rinsed his face. He watched himself in the mirror for a long time until noises from downstairs got his attention. Downstairs, the twins were digging into a box of cereal searching for a prize and Maggie was stirring batter for pancakes. Ryan offered to help and she accepted it with a smile. While the bacon cooked, Ryan watched Aunt Maggie prop each child on her hips, flip pancakes and try to pour orange juice.

Ryan extended his hand, spatula rested in the other. "Did you want me to...?"

"If it's not too much trouble, Two can be a handful, especially when Bill's away and Anna's always liked to sleep in," she said, still with that ever-present smile in her shining eyes.

Ryan reached out and took Jillian out of her arms, pressing her into his chest. Her hair ticked his neck when she rested her head on his shoulder and yawned. His hand smoothed down her back, felt heat and a fast heartbeat under his palm. In just a few short months, Ryan was going to be a father, he was going to have a child of his own to protect and provide for; it was all so overwhelming and yet he felt calm, a sense of peace while he held Jillian in his arms, her tiny hand curling and uncurling in his hair.

When he first found out Theresa was keeping the baby, Ryan had counted out the reasons his Mother must have had for loving him and the only thing he could come up with was that she loved him because she had to, because he was her son. He could only remember four times his Mom had actually said the words and one of those times he was in the hospital after one of her boyfriends got a little too rough and beat him unconscious, he remembered the social worker had been in the room asking him questions while his Mother blotted her eyes with tissues...he'd always wanted to believe her concern was genuine.

Ryan had once stayed with his grandmother, his Father's mother, while his Mother was busy -busy with what, he'd never found out. As the days grew longer and the phone calls got shorter, he had asked if his Mom was ever coming back and why she didn't want to see him. Ryan's grandma had said that: 'Love was like a song that no one knew the words to and sometimes people sang off-key.' Ryan hadn't known what she meant until years later. He supposed his Mother loved him in her own way...

When Dawn left him with the Cohen's, it was the only time he really believed that maybe she really did love him, because he'd never had a home...and the Cohen's gave him that and a family to boot. Kirsten had never actually said the words to him, not out loud, but he felt it. Felt it like a jackhammer in his chest every time she pulled him into her arms and told him to be careful on the drive home. Her voice would waver on the word home because they both knew Chino was not where either one of them considered it to be.

Later, he had reflected on growing up without a Father and what it had cost him in the long run and wound up feeling depressed and angry. The more he thought about it, the more he was determined to be a good Father, to instill a sense of honour in his child when they talked about their Dad. He wanted to be like Sandy, because as much as Seth bitched and moaned about how unfair and uncool his Dad was, Ryan knew there was nothing they wouldn't do for each other. The Cohen's had a kind of love that was so rare in a family and for a little while at least, he had been a part of it and that time had taught him the real meaning of the word.

It didn't matter if his biological Mother and Father didn't love him like they should because his real parents were Sandy and Kirsten and he'd found a brother in Seth that he'd never found in Trey. They showed him what love meant. He felt confident he could pass it on; could break the cycle of abuse that had been passed on for generations by the Atwood clan.

Looking at the little child in his arms, he couldn't imagine not loving his child...even if that child turned out not to be his.

When Ryan turned back to the frying pan, he caught sight of Anna on the landing. She was staring at him. She looked sad. Desperately sad.

By the time she came into the kitchen, relieving her Aunt of her cousin, there was a smile back on Anna's face and even her eyes didn't betray her. Her hand reached out, smoothed Justin's hair away from his eyes and Ryan noticed the slight shake when she did so. It was almost imperceptible, but Ryan had a lifetime of studying people and he knew what he saw, but he didn't really understand what he was seeing. Was she nervous? Was she uncomfortable? Was she regretting last night? Ryan didn't know and he knew not to ask in front of Aunt Maggie. Anna might have been the first person in history that he couldn't read. He didn't have time to dwell on it because Jillian was demanding his attention.

Ryan grabbed a towel from the counter and began an impromptu game of peek-a-boo. Jillian giggled each time he revealed himself and from the corner of his eye, Ryan saw Anna and her aunt watching and he grew self-conscious.

"She really likes you, Ryan," Maggie said, touching his shoulder.

Ryan felt his cheeks get hot as he struggled to say something.

"I'm going to give Bill a call. Will the two of you be okay finishing everything up?"

"Sure, go ahead," Anna said.

Ryan nodded and set the towel down, he reached over and turned off the stove fearing Jillian would get burnt by the popping grease.

Anna propped Justin up higher on her hip and looked over Ryan's shoulder. "Is that Ryan's famous bacon Seth always used to talk about?"

"Seth talked about my bacon? That sounds wrong on so many different levels." Ryan shook his head, glad they could have this type of rapport even after what had happened last night...or what didn't.

"Right, that does sound a little...off," She chuckled, grabbing plates from the cupboard with one hand and arranging them around the table still managing to hold Justin. That was the thing that had always amazed Ryan about women. Their ability to multitask.

Ryan set up the high chair and lowered Jillian into it. He placed a pancake that he'd cooled and cut into small pieces in front of her and let her go wild. Justin fussed so Anna didn't bother trying to put him in his chair.

Ten minutes later, Summer came into the kitchen wrapped in a silk robe, she looked at Anna feeding Justin on her lap before her eyes fell on Ryan.

"Sleep well?" Summer asked, rather scornfully. Ryan looked at Summer who stared back unblinking. She knew something. He wasn't sure what she saw, but given the events of the night before, he knew whatever she saw could be misconstrued.

Ryan glanced quickly to Anna and then back to Summer. "Look, I know what you're thinking but nothing happened; we were just sleeping."

Summer crossed her arms under her breasts. "Right, like you ___just_ slept with Theresa? I can't believe I ever felt bad for you."

"Summer!" Anna struggled to set Justin in his highchair.

"What's going on out here?" Seth asked coming into the kitchen still in his pajamas, his hair wild.

Summer looked between Ryan and Anna. "Why don't you ask them?"

"Believe what you want," Ryan said, moving past her.

They all heard the front door slam. Swifty, from his place on the floor, under the breakfast table, raised his head and let out a little howl. Scrambling up, he raced to the door and scratched at the bottom, whimpering.

Anna stood in front of Summer shaking her head. "I can't believe you said that, what's wrong with you?"

Summer took a step back, bumping into Seth. "He broke Marissa's heart because he told her he couldn't be with her; that he had to marry Theresa and then I see the two of you together-"

Anna cut her off. "No, you don't know what you saw. He needed to talk last night, he needed to be comforted and that's all that happened. Everyone's probably been too caught up in their own lives to think about what he's going through. You tiptoe around him...talk ___about_ him in whispers instead of ___to_ him...he's having a kid, he's not dying! Don't you think he could use a friend?"

"I'm here for him," Seth spoke up, still confused and doing his damnedest to try to follow along.

Anna's eyes softened. "Right. You know Ryan, Seth. You know he's not going to bring you down. Ryan's more alone now than he's ever been, his whole life has changed and it's never going to be the same. I'm going after him." Anna grabbed a leash from the hall closet and attached it to Swifty's collar.

When the door closed behind Anna, Summer's shoulders slumped. "I didn't mean..."

Seth turned her around, took in her red eyes and knew she was about to burst into tears. "I know."

"I don't even know why I went off like that."

"Rage Blackout?"

Summer sniffled, buried her face in his chest. "This isn't a joke, Cohen."

"I know, I just...sometimes I can't help it."

"God, Cohen, I'm so selfish."

Seth ran his hands down her arms and back up again, trying to comfort her. "Hey, hey, no you're not. You're just worried about Marissa."

Summer sniffled into his shirt and Seth tried not to shrink away when he felt wetness seeping onto his chest, he just hoped it was her tears and not snot and then he felt guilty. He offered her his sleeve and she wiped her eyes.

"That's just it," she whispered, her throat dry, "when Ryan was her boyfriend, he could worry about her, he could make sure she didn't get into trouble and now that he's back in Chino...God, I can't do this again. I need my own life." Summer clung to Seth and they rocked back and forth.

Seth looked up and saw Aunt Maggie, he turned his head to check on the twins and seeing they were all right, he made a gesture to reassure her. She smiled softly and backed out of sight.

"You shouldn't have to look after her," Seth said after some time had passed.

"Who else will?"

"Her mom?"

Summer snorted, very unladylike. "Her mother is Julie Cooper."

"Okay, good point. Well, her father then or her sister or the maid, frankly I don't care who, but it won't be you. I mean, look what it's doing to you."

"Caitlin's only a little girl."

Seth cupped her face in his large hands, wiped her tears with his thumbs. "Listen, that doesn't matter, don't think about it now. The point is: it shouldn't have to be you."

"She's my best friend!"

"Summer, friendship works both ways, where's she been this whole year? She dropped you for Luke, then Ryan and then Oliver and when the next boy comes along..."

"She needs help." Summer's voice was small.

"Then we'll get her help, but you don't have to save her. Jeez, between you and Ryan we can start a whole new team of superheros."

"Did you just compare me to Chino?"

"Um...yes."

Summer looked up at Seth, rubbing her eyes. "Cohen, I think I'm not just mad that Ryan left Marissa."

Seth raised his eyebrows. "You're mad he left you?"

"No! ___Eew_!"

"You're not made he left you? Whew, that's a relief, for a second I thought you were dumping me." Seth wiped his forehead in exaggeration. "If it's not about Marissa and it's not about you, then what?"

"You." She couldn't look at him, wouldn't. "He left you and there's nothing I can do to make it better."

"Summer," Seth said, laughing slightly, "you don't have to fix things for me."

"But last time you left."

"Yeah, that was stupid," he said sheepishly.

Summer shuffled nervously. "Well, school starts soon and Ryan's going to be working on the weekends now so he won't be able to visit. You're not going to take off again and leave me with some stupid note, are you?"

Seth shook his head. "Nope, wherever I go I'm taking you with me. Think you can spend the weekend in Chino?"

Summer smiled through her tears and Seth couldn't help thinking that she looked beautiful when she cried. Summer wasn't normally a crier, but when she did she didn't hold anything back. "I guess that isn't so bad...nothing could be worse than that hotel room in Tijuana."

Seth rubbed her back to reassure her. "Well, this time, Summer, you won't have to hide the urge to ravish me, you can just go ahead and do it."

Summer rolled her eyes. "You wish."

"I do." Seth smiled saucily and kissed the tip of her nose.

* * *

Ryan didn't know where he was going, he just started walking. He picked up a twig off of the sidewalk and began to twist it in his hands. Just as he was about to choose a street to turn onto, he spotted Swifty sniffing at his boots. Anna caught up with them, her face flushed. 

"Hey."

"Hey," he said, head bent forward.

"You walk pretty fast," Anna commented, teasing.

Ryan tried to smile but it didn't work. He crouched down, petting Swifty instead. "I can't blame her, she's just looking out for her best friend. She's hurting."

Anna squatted beside him. "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" he asked without looking at her.

"Take the blame for everything."

"I dunno what-"

"Forget it." She pursed her lips and he wasn't sure if she was angry or just tired of talking.

"Anna."

When she didn't look at him, he continued to pet the dog. Swifty rolled over, rubbing his back on the pavement while Ryan rubbed the dog's stomach. Anna stopped his hand mid-stroke. "I want to take you somewhere."

Ryan looked up, met her eyes and saw determination there. "Okay."

They both stood. Ryan's legs felt stretched and a little numb. Anna handed him the leash and took his other hand. They crossed the street, walked down as far as a set of lights and then crossed again.

"There," Anna said abruptly.

"What?"

"Look there," she said, pointing. Ryan looked, his eyes settling on a rusted bike rack. "That's where I had my first kiss. Third grade. Brandon Dobbs. He had green eyes and a scar on his right cheek."

Ryan smiled.

"Come on," Anna said and they walked further. "There."

Ryan looked, she was pointing at an old movie theatre. "I saw my first French film with subtitles there when I was twelve, that's how I learned about sex."

Ryan laughed.

"What?"

"It's nothing, it's not even really funny." he said, his cheeks stained red.

"No, tell me, I want to know," Anna pressed.

"When I was twelve, Trey took me to one of those places where they showed adult movies and that's how I learned about sex." He was embarrassed, he'd never told that to anyone. "That's kinda sad, huh?"

Anna nodded. "You must have been a little..."

"Screwed up? I was for a while. Theresa, uh...she...we figured it out together, I guess."

"Oh."

Ryan kept his eyes hooded, he stared off in the distance. "I want you to know that Theresa's a good person."

"What makes you think I don't all ready know that?"

Ryan shrugged. "I don't know, I just don't want you to think she was trying to trap me or something."

"I don't."

"'Cause we've been through a lot together. We have a lot of-"

"History."

"Ye-ah." His voice cracked just a little and he wished he had some water or something to soothe his throat.

Anna squeezed his hand. "Ryan, I know."

He nodded and they started walking again, slower this time. Anna was quiet until they reached a little strip of stores and they sat down on a bench. Ryan let go of the leash and Swifty sniffed at a tree, marked it and then explored around the bench.

"When I first came back, it took a while to adjust. I spent a lot of time by myself just trying to remember who I was.

"There was a guy that wrote poems and sold them just over there, on the corner by the mailbox. I bought one once and I thought to myself how much like a movie the moment was." Anna scrunched up her nose, smiled cheekily. "Sorta like that part in Before Sunrise."

"I never saw it." Ryan watched her fidget; Anna was a ball of energy that never really stopped being charged, she reminded him of Seth that way.

"No, I didn't think you would have," she said, laughing. "Anyway, it was a nice poem, but that's all it was: nice. I saw him a few weeks later, doing the same thing, writing these nice poems. So I asked him why he stands out in the freezing cold peddling poetry that no one ever seems to care about." The wind picked up just a little, lifting her hair that she'd grown out since leaving Newport and making it fall delicately against her face. "He told me it was because he needs to...not wants to, but needs to, and if he could, he'd just stand around all day just writing.

"So you see, Ryan, no one ever gets to live completely for themselves, there are responsibilities that we just can't walk away from no matter how much we want to."

"So you're saying I'm stuck." He didn't speak with malice.

She touched his arm, her fingers tentative over his skin. "You're stuck if you want to be stuck. They're no right answers, there are only choices. I'm just saying, I know why you have to do this and I respect your decision, but that doesn't mean I think it's the right one."

Ryan stood and her hand fell to the wooden bench. "I don't want my child to grow up the way I did."

Anna stood too. "Then be there, but don't think marrying Theresa is going to make things right. It's not going to make you a family."

He pulled his hand through his hair, turned his back so he wouldn't have to look at her. "I don't know what else to do to make things right."

Anna approached him slowly, he saw her coming from the corner of his eye. "But how do you know it's the right thing?" she asked, her hand settled on the middle of his back and she kept it there as she moved around him so she could look into his eyes. "I don't think my Mother and Father ever loved each other. Even now, they just go through the motions." Anna picked at her chipping nail polish with her teeth, her hair falling in her face, shielding her eyes from Ryan. when she looked back up, he could see tears there. "That's part of the reason I left Newport. I had to get away. It's so sad, Ryan; believe me, you don't want that for yourself or for the baby and if you're not sure you love Theresa, but still care for her like you say you do, you shouldn't want that for her, either.

"What Summer and Seth have, as much as I hated to admit it...that's true love. It's so rare. And I know people say no one finds the love of their life at seventeen, but Seth found his when he was seven; it just took Summer a little while to catch up, some people are lucky like that. So if you don't feel that way, don't jump into something you'll spend the rest of your life regretting. Don't settle." She looked away.

"I could learn to love her," he said adamantly, as if saying it with distinction could make it true.

Anna had sad, weather-beaten eyes when she finally looked up again. "You can try, but it won't work."

"What about you, how many people have you been out with since you broke up with Seth?"

"Does it matter?"

His hand found her cheek, wiped away her tears. "Yeah, it does."

"Don't think I've given up," she said, shaking her head. "I still dream of true love, Ryan...but that doesn't mean I'm ever going to get it." Anna took in a deep breath and wiped her eyes again, straightened her back and smiled. "Come on, Swifty," she called and patted the side of her leg to get the dog's attention. The dog let her click the leash in place and followed her as she walked away.

"Anna," he said and he didn't even know why. She didn't turn so he jogged to catch up to her.

* * *

When Ryan and Anna came back to the house later that day, the sun was starting to fade and the air was beginning to cool. Seth and Summer were watching television and when Summer noticed him, she stood and greeted him by the door. "Ryan, I'm really sorry for...about before." 

Ryan nodded, embarrassed by the attention. "It's okay."

Seth had joined them and placed his hand on the small of Summer's back. "No, it's not. It's just that Marissa's my friend and-"

Ryan stopped her. "Summer, really, you don't have to explain, I get it. I understand. What I did to Marissa...it wasn't fair...this whole thing isn't fair. I just don't know how to make it right."

When Ryan turned to leave, Seth grabbed his arm. "No, wait. I'm sorry, too. I guess I didn't realize how selfish I was being."

"You never realize how selfish you are," Anna chimed in, teasing. Seth stuck out his tongue and the mood was lightened but Summer still had watery eyes and a sombre expression.

"I'm sorry," Summer repeated, as if those two words could really do something and as often as Ryan had heard them growing up -after he'd been beaten, after his Mom started drinking again, after his Father went to prison- right now, he really wished they were all it took to make everything normal again, like some magic word like Hocus Pocus.

Ryan touched Summer's arm a little awkwardly. "It's really okay," he said and went up to bed.

They all just stood by and watched him go. Summer turned to Anna after a minute. "Is he really okay?"

Anna nodded slowly. "He's getting there."

* * *

They spent the rest of the weekend doing touristy things. They visited the historic neighbourhoods and the new spots as well. Anna took them to the flea market Sunday morning before their flight, where Seth and Summer discovered a new love for bargain shopping for useless crap. Seth and Ryan packed up the car with their luggage and their newly acquired nicknacks and collectables while Summer hugged Aunt Maggie good-bye and embraced both the twins. 

When it was Ryan's turn to say good-bye, Aunt Maggie pulled him into a hug when he offered her his hand and whispered into his ear that he should follow his heart and handed him a wrapped gift. He wasn't sure how much she knew about his situation, but he gathered she knew enough. It was difficult to say good-bye to the twins, their big blue eyes shining in the sun, their hands all over the place and sticky with something sweet. He picked them up individually and held them against him, hoping his own child would turn out as well and smell as sweet.

Ryan didn't look back at the house while Summer and Seth waved out their windows and yelled their thanks.

Anna drove them to the airport in her Aunt's minivan. In the backseat, Ryan heard Summer tell Seth that they were not having twins and Seth agreed as if they could fool Mother Nature. Anna must have been eavesdropping too, because she turned to Ryan and they shared a secret smile.

Ryan watched Anna say good-bye to Seth and Summer, he hung back watching a little boy as he kicked around a ball; a woman hastily reapplying her make-up; an old man doing the crossword from the New York Times, and then Anna was by his side, slipping her hand inside of his. Her fingers were warm, almost hot against his and when he looked up he noticed her eyes were red and her skin was blotchy. She was staring at their hands. His palm moulded to the back of her neck, drawing her close, pressing her into his chest. They stayed like that, their hands connected, his fingers loosely tangling in her hair, her forehead against his heart until the drone of the intercom flared up and their flight back to California was announced.

Anna pulled back and wiped her eyes, smiling and shaking her head like she was embarrassed by her actions. "It was good to see you, Ryan."

"It..." he didn't finish. He couldn't.

She was all ready pulling away, putting distance between them. "I'll come visit. Soon."

Ryan nodded like he wasn't in control of his own body, like he was being held up by strings and someone else was directing his actions. He watched Anna turn, swing her purse and run her fingers through her hair. He watched until she was gone and only her ghost was left, then Seth pulled him along and the rest was a blur.

Anna could never fix things, she could give advice, she could lead him on the right path, but she couldn't make it all right, he had to do that himself.

As they waited to take off, Ryan pulled the present from his bag and unwrapped it. Inside the bright paper was a baby blanket with yellow ducklings, appropriate for both a boy and a girl. Ryan smiled, took a shaky breath and set it aside.

Ryan gripped his armrest and sucked in his stomach, flying didn't get any easier the second time around. Seth leaned over a sleeping Summer, and poked Ryan's arm. "Hey. Hey, man." Ryan had been aware of the looks Seth had been giving him since Summer's outburst and it was starting to get uncomfortable. Every few minutes, Ryan could see Seth debating with himself what to do about the situation, what to say to try to get him to open up about Theresa and the baby and it was one of the things he liked most about Seth, that he wanted to be there for Ryan even if he didn't have the right words to say it. "I was thinking about the whole thing...you know the Theresa/baby/wedding thing and I think...well, I can't tell you what to do...well, I can, but you're not going to listen, because it's, like, your life and all that, but I can...I can listen, you know? So...do you want to talk about it?"

Ryan was looking straight ahead at the movie being playing, but he wasn't watching. He shook his head, took in a breath. "There's nothing to say." Seth settled back in his seat, his smile dissipating into a frown. A full minute passed before Ryan spoke again. "Hey, Seth?"

Seth's head whipped around so fast, Ryan swore he saw him wince. "Yeah?"

Ryan smiled, just enough to let Seth know he was going to be okay. "Thanks for asking."

* * *

end. 


End file.
